Ever since I got pregnant, the thought of having miscarriage is always there, it lingers around my mind almost everyday. After my first trimester, I felt a bit at ease as I have “passed” the crucial states in pregnancy. Even though I tried to not think so hard about it but somehow I have prepared myself for worst case to happen. Miscarriage is inevitable and we wouldn’t expect it to happen to any of us. Most miscarriages happened during first trimester (before 12 weeks), while the rates of miscarriage to happen during second trimester is lower. So, here is my unfortunate story of having a miscarriage at 16 weeks.
TW – This post might be long and not suitable for weak hearted people. Read at your own risk.
1st Nov 2021
It was just like the other days, I woke up for Subuh and waited for Rash to go to work until I can go to sleep again. Needless to remind you, pregnancy really does that to your body. You will feel super tired even when you did nothing. I usually woke up around 10am-11am as I am advised to be bed rested. Woke up feeling super hungry that day and decided to order ayam gepuk pak gembus for lunch cause its our (Mommy, Daddy & Rayf :P) favourite. Disclaimer : I have been eating spicy food since early trimester. Most research says that its safe to take spicy food during pregnancy. But really, it depends on your body.
Around 2pm, I started feeling uncomfortable. My stomach feels like burning. I started to get a stomach ache similar to period pain. The pain was bearable but it goes on and off at times. Later that evening, I felt the same pain which I thought was the post effect of Pak Gembus = diarrhoea, turns out this pain was somehow different. I am super good of suppressing my pain which is not a good behaviour I tell you 😛 Later that day, I went to sleep with the stomach ache. The pain lasted until the next day and we decided to go to clinic that night (Tuesday night).
Upon checking up, our baby was healthy and active as always. Dr advices me to not eat spicy food again, to keep myself hydrated, to avoid any sexual activities and most importantly to avoid doing any hard works. Our main concern wasn’t me at that time, it was all about the baby’s wellbeing. While the actual problem here was me and no one ever notices this even myself. I thought that myself was strong enough to endure everything and abide the possibilities of miscarriage cause we were already in 2nd trimester that time.
Little that I know, the pain that I’ve felt was a mild contraction or braxton hicks which everyone didn’t realised even the Dr herself. We only realised this after everything happened. I would say that this is one of our mistake back then, we both were careless and inexperienced i guess.
4th Nov 2021
It was Deepavali holiday and I got a chance to go jalan jalan with Rash that day. I have been craving for Gigi Coffee for so long, so we decided to go to Avenue K that day. Bought some stuff for Rayf and daddy picked the clothes for the first time for Rayf. Bought it earlier cause I’m not really a last min person and we are just that excited. Oh and the pain hasn’t subsided yet so we decided to drop off to the clinic again and get checked up.
The Dr then asked me to do a urine test to see any urine infection or anything, the result was – DEHYDRATION. I admit that I was quite lazy to drink lots of water during pregnant because I don’t like going to the toilet every time. Hewhew. Remember to drink a lot of waterrrr during your pregnancy guys! Our body requires more fluid than usual. I forced myself to drink plenty of H2O day after that incident and the pain seems to go away for awhile.
6th Nov 2021
That weekend was just like our usual weekend except that I agreed to take some choux orders on that day since the customer has been asking me countless times for my choux. Didn’t want to disappoint her/him, I decided to take the order and prep everything the night before. Baked everything since 8/9 am (I couldn’t recall) and finished all orders around 12-1pm. I remember making Rash quick pastry lunch that noon.
Abah has been asking me few times to go to Genting since we haven’t go jalan jalan much after MCO lifted off. Therefore, I decided to join abah and family that day. Rash was hesitant at first but well me being me -___-
Around 2pm, we got ready and honestly I didn’t feel anything during the day. I felt energetic as always. I thought everything was normal again, the pain also has subsides.
We went to Genting and stopped by at Masjid to solat Asar first and had a quick high tea at the nearest stall next to the masjid. I remember taking a bite of the mee goreng, soooo sedap. Then, we continued our journey to the cable car and the line was frickin long that day. Queued up about an hour and so. I walked up quite fast and literally forgot that I was pregnant that day…
Went to Genting just for a sightseeing with my family. Seeing Abah and my family being happy is just enough for me. I think we walked way more than 10k steps that day. After Maghrib, I started feeling hectic and couldn’t feel my legs anymore. I keep saying to Rash that I couldn’t walk anymore. If I was lighter, I would ask Rash to carry me on his back. Hihi (If I knew what was about to happen, I would ask him to get the wheelchair for me)
Went down from the top of Genting around 8.30pm and reached Kedai Tom Yam at Batu 9 around 10pm something cause Abah didn’t want to eat at Genting -___-. Around 10.30pm, my stomach felt so much in pain and I thought oh I must be super hungry and tired and the same time. Again, I endured the pain very well and while we are otw back home I still remember saying this to Rash “Best Rayf today, tidur je sepanjang hari sebab mommy asyik jalan”.
7th Nov 2021- D-Day
Reached home around 11.30pm and I realised there’s blood stain on my underpants and I panickly told Rash. I took 2 pills of Duphaston and lay down for awhile. Suddenly, I felt like poo-ing. My stomach rumbles and I went to the toilet. I was in the middle of settling my business and suddenly realising that there’s something hard stuck in between of my legs or accurately in between of my cervix. Realising that was a bad sign, I screamed out lout for Rash. He run hurriedly to me with his panic face. I knew already that time was the end of my baby’s journey with me and I cried loudly in the toilet. Rash hugged me, calmed me down a bit and said that “baby taw kan baby kita dah takde” and I keep saying “I takut, I takut” while crying to Rash.
Meanwhile, Rash called out for help from my FIL to bring me to the hosp.
Rash hugged me back and comfort me while a pool of blood keep coming out of you know that thing. Rash then asked me “Can you push the baby?” I said “I don’t want, I’m scared” while crying. Then Rash said that I need to push out the baby or else I might be in danger. Then, after I calmed down a bit, I pushed out the baby slowly while Rash keep comforting me. Suddenly my water broke upon the baby was out. I was so damn scared, I literally shivers seeing the baby making his way out of my cervix. Rash pulled out the baby along with the umbilical cord. SUPER PROUD OF HIS BRAVERY THAT NIGHT T__T. I don’t wanna hold my baby cause I was so scared that night. Rash took our baby and wrapped him in kain pelikat i guess.
Disbelief and speechless. My mind went blank right after. Digesting the trauma. Cant Believe I just had a miscarriage.
While waiting for my FIL to arrive, Rash rushed here and there, packed our things and keep checking on me. I am okay. Honestly, I don’t feel any pain at all during that time. Not really sure what to feel. Mixed feelings. I stopped crying and pujuk my heart to be redha with everything. I called Abah and let him know what happened. They were all so worried and insist to go to the hospital too. Abah cries while on the phone and the voice sounds guilty and shaky.
The Removal Process – Miscarriage
Went to the hospital around 12.40 am. Rash was so scared that I’m losing too many blood and might fainted anytime. So, I wouldn’t think of elsewhere, Columbia was the nearest hospital that I could ever think of that time. Rash called to confirm whether they accept any miscarriage cases and luckily they accepted my case during that time. I was crying in the car, video-calling my adik adik, they were all looked so tired and sad. It broke me. Upon arrival, Abah, Acik, Kak Anis and Angah were there. They put me on the wheelchair and Kak Anis put her kain batik on the wheelchair as well, as I was bleeding so bad. Then, Abah came to me and hugged me saying that he’s sorry, he blames himself for what happened and I said that it wasn’t his fault. Its No One’s Fault.
Alhamdulillah, I don’t feel any pain at all that time. I didn’t feel dizzy, pain or anything. Emptiness. Yes. I felt empty. They put me onto the bed first while waiting for Rash to settle the admission process and everything. Had my first swab test and it was painless (Good job to the MA). Had two more swab tests after that in different hospital and all felt horrible. I was still bleeding, the nurses had to change the cover of the bedsheet few times cause I was bleeding a lot. I looked terrible and all my clothes were covered in blood.
While laying on the bed, waiting for the process to begin and all.. the “What if” thoughts hit me hard. I keep crying in silence. I remember saying sorry to Rash while he stays beside me and starred into his eyes which he’d never had that looked before. He said he just want me to be safe that night.
Around 2am something, they started to induced me, telling me that they need to make the uterus contracted to remove the placenta. Then only I started to feel the pain. IT WAS SO DAMN PAINFUL….. Rasa dia macam period pain x 1000000000. The Dr said if my placenta wasn’t executed naturally, D&C might be the only way out. Alhamdulillah, everything went well. It took them around 2-3 hours for the removal process. Luckily, Rash is there that night, accompanying me every time. Thank you baby for everything <3 (I know he wont read this post)
The pain of the procedure didn’t match the excruciating emotions I felt, digesting this trauma. I could bear the physical pain but the emotional pain was beyond that. Seeing my husband there feeling hopeless, sad, trauma, worry and all mixed feelings was the most painful thing ever. We spent the night just staring and crying at each other. Dr finished everything around 4am + and I was transferred into a ward. Felt kinda excited too cause it was my first time being warded in my 28 years. I fell asleep at 6am something and woke up around 9am.
Healing Process – Post miscarriage
The next day, I woke up feeling overwhelmed. Feeling all sorts of feeling. Then, the Dr did a final check up before I get to go home. Everything looks okay, there’s a lil bit of placenta left inside of my uterus, Dr said that it will come out naturally during the confinement process. My mind and heart went blank as I saw that there’s no longer Rayf inside my tummy on the ultrasound screen. I keep holding back my tears in front of the Dr.
The Dr couldn’t diagnose the actual reason of my miscarriage because I wasn’t his patient since the beginning, so he couldn’t find any solid reason to justify the main cause of the unfortunate event. Plus, my miscarriage happened during my second trimester and it was most unlikely to happen actually so he could only assume that I have an incompetent cervix. Stupid me for not being extra careful since the beginning.
I got a video call from adik while in the Dr’s room. Abah wanna show me last video of Rayf before the burial but I couldn’t pick it up cause I’m meeting the Dr. Right after I leave the Dr’s room, I bursted into tears seeing that I no longer have Rayf physically. I only have the last pic & video of Rayf. I couldn’t even bother looking at him that night cause I didn’t know what to feel exactly at that time. I’m just praying that we could meet soon in Jannah. I pray hard to Allah that Allah will let Rayf meet mommy soon dekat sana. I miss you baby. You are so cute, tiny and has perfect textures already. 4 months and I am happy for everything. Everything happens surely for reasons.
I developed a postpartum depression after that day. I hate seeing any videos/pictures of babies, I refuses to talk to anyone at first, I kinda hate the word pregnant and it was so hard to accept everything at first. Wishing that everything is going to be okay is not as easy as my mind and heart expected. The healing process is so lonely and empty sometimes. I had troubles getting good sleeps. I became clingier, quieter and selfish with Rash. Those random cries are now my best friend. Everything reminded me to the unfortunate event. A week after that, we were infected with covid. Long story short, the whole family was infected with covid exc my two brothers. One after another right…… but I was happy cause I get to spend time with Rash that two weeks. It was so hard at first to adapt to everything that happened.
3 years and suddenly Rayf came into our life even for a short while. Then Danggg, everything’s shattered into pieces. I wish I could tell more about my healing journey but maybe that’s on another post. I’m doing okay now, better than ever. I have to be strong like I used to be. Much thankful to Allah for a wonderful husband He has gifted me. Rash was so helpful while I was pregnant, during miscarriage and post miscarriage. Rash never once questioned about getting babies these 3 years. He understands me very well. Both our families some more are so supportive and keep comforting me with nice and supportive encouragement. Thank you to friends who checked up on me, strangers on IGs and all who’s keep sending me comforting words and doas. Truly feel lovable these days.
Nevertheless, Alhamdulillah, everything went well from the delivery process until the removal process. The healing part is another stories. If I have any chance to get pregnant again (In sha Allah), I may have to do a cerclage but it all depends on that situation later on. That’s another story then. Now, lets focus on healing first (hopefully). Also, I was diagnosed with something on December and will tell that more on another post. I am doing good now and please please please pray for my wellbeing, health and happiness.
This is a friendly reminder to those who are pregnant/getting pregnant soon. If you notice something weird with your body/baby, just go to the specialist/hospital right away. In my case, the early pregnancy bleedings was the sign. Don’t bother checking up at some unrecognized clinics. Also, please don’t consume any unnecessary pregnancy supplements. Please take a good care of your health. Keep eating those greens and fruitss. Lastly, going for a check up at KK also is a better option. Please read more during your pregnancy! I pray that no one would ever experience the same thing as me. Also, this is no one’s fault. Everything happens for a reason right?
Thank you for reading this long post.